(The next Auburn coach?)
Jimmy Rane calls Bobby Petrino and conferences in Pat Dye and Bobby Lowder.
“Hello.”
“Bobby, it’s Jimmy here down at Auburn.”
Petrino: “Hey, Jimmy, what’s up?”
Yella Wood: Well, you may know why I’m calling Bobby. What you been up to.”
Petrino: “Just got off a ride with a couple of coeds down at Arkansas State. Gus set me up pretty good down there, but as Larry said a while back, ‘Keep it down home Cuz.’ “
Wood: “Just a couple of dadgum steaks and that kid reported us to that 60 minutes program!. But that’s for another time. BIg Boy, I’ve got Pat and Bobby conferenced in with us.”
Dye: Hey Bobby, good to talk with you. You hangin in there?”
Petrino: Yeah Pat I’m good. Ready to get back in the business though.”
Lowder: “Well young man, we’ve got a little proposition for you. We want you to be our next coach.”
Petrino: What about Chiz? He’s such a stellar coach? (Laughter).
Dye: Yeah, I told ol’ Finebaum that we really love him that he’s our coach forever. Wanted to pull a fast one over on him and his listeners. You know that Finebaum, he’s got a lot of power so I’ve got to use him when I need to.”
Lowder:”Bobby, we’re ready to win and kick some Saban backside. I’ve had enough of this and I speak for Pat, Jimmy and the rest of the family.”
Yella: “Milton’s in too, but he’s got to take care of that Strange character in Montgomery. He’s been greasin some palms around the state though. You know ol’ Milton. He knows how to get things done. Glad we got rid of that Gilley canary.”
Dye: “Bobby, we want you on board. Players will be no problem. Got some ministers in Georgia who have some five star sons. One’s a quarterback. They’ll get some care packages if you know what I mean.”
Petrino: “That’s what I need to hear. I need that commitment. I would say I’m glad y’all are all in, but I don’t want to refer to that guy who loses all the time.”
Dye: “We don’t either. Man, Bobby, if I was 10 years younger I’d come in and be your defensive coordinator. Now we’d win some championships. But we can buy some coaches. That won’t be any problem. Just gotta get rid of this guy and his lunatic wife.”
Lowder: “I think she handles snakes in Sand Mountain. Got to with some of those comments.”
Dye: Wish I could put a couple rattlers from my farm in her mailbox. That’d shut her up.”
Petrino: So when are y’all comin up?
Lowder: “Jet touches down in Little Rock at 11 hundred. Need you there Bobby.”
Yella: “Got some stock options in my company, Bobby. You can do some cowboy commercials with me in the summer that we’ll put out in the farm. Got some real good ideas on that.”
Petrino: “What about coeds?”
Dye: “Got you covered hoss.”
Petrino: “OK, I’m interested. What about money.”
Lowder: Don’t you worry about that big boy. We’ll have you well covered. There’s a cheerleader or two we’ve already talked to as well. So you’re good in that department.”
Petrino: “When can I start?”
Dye: “We’ll get all in, all-out after the season and you can take right over.”
Yella: “We’ll get you close to some Tuscaloosa numbers in that contract, hoss, and once you start beating that boy from Tuscaloosa, we’ll pay you more than him.”
Petrino: “I’m in.”
Lowder: “OK, the three of us will be there tomorrow. We’re making sure Gogue and Jacobs don’t know about this. They think they’re going to decide this, but we’ve already decided and they’ll be forced to go along.”
Petrino: “I’m good.”
Dye: “OK, we’ll be there at wha, Bobby 15 hundred?”
Lowder: “Pat I just said 11 hundred.”
Dye: “Oh, I was just fiddlin with my Finebaum show. Got him on the other line. Trying to do two things at once.”
Yella: “So it’s a deal, Bobby?”
Bobby: “Jimmy (Sexton) and I will see you in the morning.”
Lowder: “We’ll be there big boy. Welcome to the family.”
Dye: “You’ll have your players, Bobby. You just gotta win. None of this 8-5 stuff, that we’ve been getting lately. Tired of that. Looks like 2-10 this year. That’s not going to happen with you is it?”
Petrino: “I’ll get it done.”
Yella: “That’s all I ask, big boy, just get’er done.”
Lowder: “OK, hoss, tomorrow at 11.”
Petrino: “You got it.”